The Island.

So today I felt trapped on an island and I didn’t think anyone could understand me and I didn’t see any future plans of escape from that island. But then, this beautiful spirit came and motivated me to build a raft. And suddenly, the island didn’t seem so big or dreary. It seemed full of hope. I think I’m starting to care about this spirit. Idk where he’ll go but I’m glad God brought this spirit into my life.

Thanks.

stfu.

i’m sick and tired of the pleasantries.
i’m sick and tired of all the welcomings.
i’m sick and tired of all the interactions
and the fake camaraderie.

I want to shout and scream
because of all these people
who walk around
selfish-like.

Fuck you.
Shut the fuck up
and open your eyes.

Don’t pretend. Stop being fake. Stop talking. Open your eyes and SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

dear ms. physics prof. lady, ma’am,

i told you i didn’t understand it before

you continued.

why do you think i understand it now?

from a lost student,

chris

(p.s. it’s amazing how much the internet allows me to not pay attention.)
:/ 

Solitaire

I’ve never felt so… Alone.

i have a problem. i’m weird.

i think i’m an extrovert.

and i think i’m weird.

I try to make friends, but someone told me that I tend to smother people. But I don’t know. i’m always so excited to make a new friend and i like hanging around people. people are amazing. each one is unique within themselves and everyone has a story. i want to dive in. i want to swim beneath the surface and see what lies hidden in the depths of their sea. does a beautiful garden hide under the water or does the water conceal something much darker? you dont know if you dont search.

i feel a need to be around people and always be in someone’s view.

maybe this is just a consequence of a faulty childhood. my parents were divorced (and between you and i, they’re not the best parents in the world). i feel like through all the fighting, no one loves me. everyone is just interested in forwarding themselves and seeing how they can get ahead in life. but thats not me, at least i dont think it is.

i want to feel loved. i want to love someone. i want to come home and know that not only do they have to see me everyday but they want to see me everyday and its that want which keeps them with me. i want them to want me for who i am as a whole. i want someone to talk to when im upset.

i dont think my mom loves me. i mean i know she does right? im her son but if i were someone else would she? being someones son or daughter doesnt change your place in the world. its hard to fully convey what i mean. thats just a relation right? and it doesnt come with any implications or rather if it did so many people wouldnt feel so unloved because every mother and father would always love their child. i guess what im saying is “im your son. so what? what does that imply?”

family was never a big thing for me. they fight more than anything. i never really felt loved.

then i had friends and theyre so amazing and i think the reason why i spend so much of my time with them is because they show me the caring no one else has. they do want to spend time with me and im aware of how much they love me. but theyre in ny and im in chicago and i mean.

no one here wants to be my friend. all i want to do is hang out with someone who genuinely cares about me, wants to spend time with me and likes to listen to what i have to say. you know. make me feel important. kinda like i matter.

instead. i feel like a grain of salt on an ongoing stretch of black tar.

as the world engulfs me and as i sink, i have no where to go. so i trust that god will lead me. and one day ill reach an end. but until that day ill wait

and be weird

alone.

Just a note…

Lately, I’ve been pretty upset with myself.

And I don’t know how to fix that. I guess one day I’m expecting it to all fall into place but maybe thats wrong. Maybe everything falls into place over time and you have to take an active role in your life. I’m not quite sure. What I do know…

Is that I’m rather disappointed in myself.